Chicken place on prince...

So me and Kyle have just moved into Campus Lodge and we are absolutely loving our new setup. One night, I walk outside to talk to someone on my cell phone when I bump into our neighbor Lauren. We start to talk but she was getting ready to head downtown so we didn't talk much but lets just say that fireworks was a flying, that is to say she probably didn’t remember who I was the next day.

So one night, Kyle and I were heading back from the tennis courts and I was like, "Kyle I think I am gonna ask that Lauren girl out on a date." and, to my surprise, Kyle was very gung ho for it. This was surprising because Kyle has two levels of excitement. Kyle can either be like, "Huh? What? Oh, yea dude I’ll ride to Wal-Mart with you.... whatever" or Kyle can, it the only way to describe it, completely freak out and make noises that I am convinced he only makes around me. I'm sure if you listen closely you'll hear him say "Yes, sir" like an old black slave and, in complete spontaneity, squat in an athletic position and kind of do this grumbling noise while he has this grimace on his face.

So yea, Kyle was squatting and screaming “yes, sir” all over the place until I finally walked over to Lauren’s apartment. At this point Kyle had assumed his position behind our door peeping through that little eyehole thing as to get a better angle on the impending train wreck that was about to happen. And don’t kid yourself folks, I’m John Lipari, it’s like my manifest destiny for anything to do with girls to end up like a freaking Greek tragedy.

I mean honestly, my freshman year we were trying to find a parking spot so we could head to the Georgia game and this SUV of beautiful girls pulls up right next to us. To my surprise, these girls look at me and say hello in the most sorority voice you’ve ever heard. Now, I’m an English major and that’s not saying anything but my vocabulary is all right and I’m not one to get nervous around girls. But for some reason, I don’t know what it was, the Panama City 9^th grade Rico Suave John emerged for a split second and said “What’s goooiinnn oooonnnnnn lllaaddddiiieeesssss”. You're reading that thinking I’m retarded for typing it up like so but, I kid you not, I held it out that long like Senora Bruce was teaching me a new Spanish phrase in 10^th grade. After that, I don’t know what happened; seriously it is just a blur. I think they asked me where I was sitting and I think I told them I was on the field as a sports trainer for UGA. Whatever, point being that the same guy that orchestrated that masterpiece of a disaster was about to try his luck with the girl next door. Brilliant.

So, lets catch back up to here and now. You have me, John, pacing around in the breezeway like Luke Goddard’s old pug Gizmo, freaking out for no reason. You have Kyle sitting patiently, waiting for the inevitable explosion of awkwardness to go down and then you have Lauren, who has NO idea what is about to unfold in front of her.

So, I do it. I ring the doorbell and as fate would have it Lauren doesn’t answer the door. Instead, I get none other than Lou Ferrigno, the guy who played the Incredible Hulk in the 1980’s. Awesome, this is going great. So, I ask this guy,” Um, is Lauren here?” and he looks me directly in the face and goes, “Why?” Oh that’s simple I was just going see if she preferred the Sweet or Hot sauce at Sonny’s. Why do you think you douche bag, I just want to ask her a question. So, he turns green and stomps away to go get Lauren. At this point, I turn back at the door and look at Kyle like, “You ready??? Here it comes. …COMPLETE FAILURE, HOORAY FOR FAILURE!!!”

Oh lord, so it seemed like forever before Lauren came to the door but she eventually did and she was dressed to her nine’s. She was all done up and she was looking beautiful. So I start trying to talk to her when all of a sudden this small little man pops a squat on my shoulder and starts talking to me, ”Yea, hey john, ummmmm, pfffffffffff, if your wondering who I am, I’m pressure and I’m just gonna, ya know, hang out in your face and make you completely miserable while you do this.” So anyways, now I’ve stalled for a good 2 or 3 seconds but, don’t worry, they were completely awkward and Kyle loved every second of it like he was watching a Ridley Scott epic. I finally get to talking to Lauren and I ask her if she wants to go get a bite to eat some time. Now, just for kicks guys, guess what she says. Ding. “Oh, sorry I have a boyfriend.” Now something cool happened when she said that. I didn’t physically hear this, but I FELT Kyle on the other side of the door do that thing where you suck on the back of your teeth when you see something that makes your skin crawl.

There is more to the story but I could go on for days and I don’t feel like typing anymore. Just know this, I think I offended her when I asked if her boyfriend went to North Carolina and her roommate, Sarah, came out in the middle of all this and made me feel like even more of a jabroni. And don’t think this is like a rare thing for me, this crap happens on a near daily basis. I seriously wonder if my purpose in life is just for God to put me in awkward situations so my friends can laugh. I’m tired, peace.